Have you ever had an experience where six minutes felt like an eternity?

I hadn't - that is, until I listened to Rossini's Rape, the new mini-CD from '80s metal left-over The Great Kat. Why people continue to give her so much attention I don't know, but this disc doesn't answer any of those questions for me.

Two of the four tracks are Kat's interpretations of classical pieces, the most notable being "Rossini's 'William Tell Overture' For Symphony Orchestra & Band". Kat utilizes her skills as a speed metal guitarist and tries to translate them onto the violin - something I once would have called an admirable attempt. And I will give her credit, in that she stays true to the heart of the original piece while trying to make it approachable for the headbangers out there.

I know I'm opening the door for tons of verbal abuse from Kat - all I have to say is, you wanna slam me, get in line. But this one piece convinces me that the violin is not an instrument built to have a million notes played on it in the span of five seconds. At the end of the selection, it's almost as if the violin lets out one last screech of pain before giving up the ghost.

The second of the two classical tracks, "Bazzini's 'The Round Of The Goblins' For Violin, Piano & Band," isn't quite as overbearing, though occasionally it too heads down the path towards the musical slaughterhouse.

Speaking of slaughterhouses, let's talk about the two vocal tracks on Rossini's Rape - namely, "Sodomize" and "Castration". Far be it from me to criticize a woman for saying things that would carry no weight if a man said them; you wanna prove you can curse like a sailor and be one of the boys, that's fine by me. But even with the dominatrix image that Kat has, you've gotta look at some of these lyrics (mainly because it's damn near impossible to decipher what she's screaming) and just shake your head in disappointment. Sample lyrics from "Sodomize" (her capitalization): "I'M GONNA STRIP EVERY INCH OF DIGNITY YOU HAVE! / Lick my ass, you fucking piece of shit, slime, moron FAG!" Hmm, makes my first sexual experience in college sound like a pony ride at the zoo. But I digress.

"Castration" - sorry, hon, but ever since the John Wayne Bobbitt thing a few years ago, this subject isn't quite as shocking. (There is even a video for this track - a 72-second music video, for Chrissake - that supposedly spews enough blood and guts to make even Stephen King puke. I've seen the video myself... hard to get nauseated when the action moves faster than a race car hitting a patch of black ice.

And you know something? Rossini's Rape might have been manageable had the musical performances been more solid. It's almost as if Kat wants to prove she can play faster than the speed of light that something has to be sacrificed in the name of speed - and that something is instrumentation. I would have greatly preferred having her slow things down just a hair and focus more on making sure the instruments were clearly mixed.

About all Kat does get right on this disc is the title. After almost seven minutes of Rossini's Rape, I felt like I had been fucked over.

Rating: F

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